Oct 202016

“Ahimsa” (nonviolence) is the state of “having no enemy in our heart”.  I used to think “I don’t have enemies, this is not for me!”.   Most of us probably walk our lives without a real sense of having enemies.

And yet, – oftentimes* – behind each frustration, disappointment, hurt, we hold a story of what this person did “wrong” (or worse, what “I did wrong”) that is subtly , or not so subtly, playing its power of disconnect between us and this person/people.

For this post, I want to focus on these relationships with people we actually long to connect with, especially maybe long-time partners, or that special family member, or maybe even that child of ours. On these relationships where we retreat, withdraw, start not sharing what’s truly on our hearts, or where we experience continued frustration and anger, maybe a deep desire to see a change in that person’s behavior. These relationships where we can feel some disconnect.

What’s been interesting to me in my learning and practicing Nonviolent Communication over the years, is the truth process of hearing my own thoughts and distinguishing them from reality.

enemy-image-chess-pieceWhat I feel is real. But what I think is often not true.

What is most interesting in deciphering our thoughts and our stories, often about who’s right and wrong, is this second layer of “who’s fault is it?”.  Who is responsible for the pain, frustration, disappointment that we feel?  And have you experienced true lasting feelings of inner peace even when you “know” where the fault lies and who’s to blame for it?

I haven’t. We can sometimes experience temporary relief but I actually have come to experience now that this passation of fault, even when it feels really “right”, doesn’t offer the actual relief and healing/freedom from that situation or that person (even, and maybe more so with people we may have cut ties with).

This is what Marshall Rosenberg used to call “the Blame Game” in which there is winner.  It’s a lose-lose situation.

So how do we come back to a sense of inner peace and, from there, desire to relate to someone we either tell ourselves are ‘wrong’ or who we blame for our hurt?

Well, many practices can lead to this, but one of them is what Francois Beausoleil brings to DC in a two-day retreat on his Living Blame Free process and a specific focus on “Breaking Through High-Level Intensity Enemy Images”.

We will walk a discovery path of what are some of the meanings, labels and covers we apply onto someone else’s behaviors, words and actions – and ours. It will be the process of untangling the knots that cut our connections, dissipate the fog that keeps us far away, clear the lenses that we have created over our own eyes (and thanks to a what often feels a gazillion “proofs”!), and help us clear up the space between us.

The huge benefits of this clearing is, as Francois say, more than the Sum of the Two of Us.  Not only does it offer the clarity of what is truly being felt and needed for You and for this person alike. It offers actually the unique chance to come to synergy and develop a  brand-new and stronger way of relating that actually offers the chance to increase the well-being for the two of you.

Let’s go recover the actual joy of relating as the first day you met this person. Thriving together is possible.

This is the ‘Coeu’rageous journey I invite you to join us in taking.

Mali Parke
PS: *I write “oftentimes” because I want to note that there is more than just the stories we tell ourselves that play a role in why we would want to get closer or further away from someone. I am focusing here on the relationships that we actually engage in on a regular basis, the ones we want to heal or improve, and those where we will assume there is no true sense of danger. If you find yourself in a real sense of non-safety, please contact your support people for you to address what boundaries you need to put into place to help your system breathe and feel hopeful again.



Join us in DC Nov 5-6 for a two-day retreat! Space is limited to 15.

Early Bird ends Friday Oct 21.

Partial scholarships available. Discounts for 2 or 3 people signing up together. Do not let money be an obstacle.

Contact Mali with any questions.
Register Here


Apr 012015

Are you feeling deep energies shifting within you these days?

Do you sense new potential, new dreams re-energized, maybe some discomfort with projects or relationships that are not where you want them to be?

Do you have connections you are wishing greater ease or stronger agreements with and are resolved to put your attention to?

Spring has a way of reminding us of our own cyclic rhythm of death (letting go) and rebirth (creation) that we go through over and over in life.  

In Spring, it’s often the time to clean up our gardens from the leftover dead leaves that protected the soil, seeds, bulbs under their protective layers. It’s a time to open our windows wide and let that first soft breeze come and purify, detoxify our indoor spaces.  It’s a time we often do deep window cleaning too, let that glass be as clear as it can to give us the view on the outside world.

Can we follow this analogy in our own internal reality?

It’s a perfect time for questions such as “What can be composted from the learnings and experiences of my Winter? What can be let go of, transitioned, digested?” or What is here that needs my attention, dedication, voice to regain deeper clarity, spaciousness, energy?”

  • Write down a checklist of “what is it that I most long for? … What are some goals that have been dormant for a while?” Run over an overview of your contribution to life (work, purpose, volunteering .. what are the goals that you have to make ‘life more wonderful?”) , relationships (family, loved ones, friends, colleagues, ‘community’ … ), self-care (mind, heart, body .. how do you value and honor yourself?), re-creation (“how do I support my sense of aliveness, spirit, inspiration, creativity?”)


  • What are some of my deeper needs and values that I want to live more of this Spring?” Make a list of 3-5 “top” ones that you can’t live without.


  • Envision all that you would need to live them. It looks like the “what, when, where, how, with whom, etc..”. Check out what you need to bring within yourself, and what you need to request of another. Frame it in a positive language (envision what you want, not what you don’t want)


  • Start naming the smallest request you can make of yourself – or to another – that you can do this week. Something that you know the probability to say ‘no’ to is sufficient small that you predict is to be do-able, easy.


  • Any obstacle or hurdle on the horizon? Check what value of YOURS you are actually holding dear and would lose if you were not to do or say what this obstacle/hurdle is bringing you.  Tricky question. Call me if you stumble here.  Check that value/needs and see, if anything, what is really holding you today in it, what needs to be put under a shining light, what needs extra support or care to grow and transition to also hold these other goals and vision that you have for yourself.


  • If you got this far, check back in within: “Knowing both what I value/honor (even by default) in what is my obstacle (old habit or ‘what’s in the way’), and what I value in how I want to show up in life, what is my truth now in what needs to be done or said (to myself or to another)?”.

I hope this practice is supporting your inner Spring cleaning and brings you new spaciousness to see what new buds will grow this year!

300268_10152671486850431_1712138693_nIf you are seeking further clarity, understanding, hope, and movement forward with all that is stirring in you, contact me for a solo Pay-What-You-Can 30-Min coaching session (new clients) and bring the new buddings of your Life into full bloom! 

In joyful service,
Mali Parke, CPC
More about Coaching Here