Oct 202016
 

“Ahimsa” (nonviolence) is the state of “having no enemy in our heart”.  I used to think “I don’t have enemies, this is not for me!”.   Most of us probably walk our lives without a real sense of having enemies.

And yet, – oftentimes* – behind each frustration, disappointment, hurt, we hold a story of what this person did “wrong” (or worse, what “I did wrong”) that is subtly , or not so subtly, playing its power of disconnect between us and this person/people.

For this post, I want to focus on these relationships with people we actually long to connect with, especially maybe long-time partners, or that special family member, or maybe even that child of ours. On these relationships where we retreat, withdraw, start not sharing what’s truly on our hearts, or where we experience continued frustration and anger, maybe a deep desire to see a change in that person’s behavior. These relationships where we can feel some disconnect.

What’s been interesting to me in my learning and practicing Nonviolent Communication over the years, is the truth process of hearing my own thoughts and distinguishing them from reality.

enemy-image-chess-pieceWhat I feel is real. But what I think is often not true.

What is most interesting in deciphering our thoughts and our stories, often about who’s right and wrong, is this second layer of “who’s fault is it?”.  Who is responsible for the pain, frustration, disappointment that we feel?  And have you experienced true lasting feelings of inner peace even when you “know” where the fault lies and who’s to blame for it?

I haven’t. We can sometimes experience temporary relief but I actually have come to experience now that this passation of fault, even when it feels really “right”, doesn’t offer the actual relief and healing/freedom from that situation or that person (even, and maybe more so with people we may have cut ties with).

This is what Marshall Rosenberg used to call “the Blame Game” in which there is winner.  It’s a lose-lose situation.

So how do we come back to a sense of inner peace and, from there, desire to relate to someone we either tell ourselves are ‘wrong’ or who we blame for our hurt?

Well, many practices can lead to this, but one of them is what Francois Beausoleil brings to DC in a two-day retreat on his Living Blame Free process and a specific focus on “Breaking Through High-Level Intensity Enemy Images”.

We will walk a discovery path of what are some of the meanings, labels and covers we apply onto someone else’s behaviors, words and actions – and ours. It will be the process of untangling the knots that cut our connections, dissipate the fog that keeps us far away, clear the lenses that we have created over our own eyes (and thanks to a what often feels a gazillion “proofs”!), and help us clear up the space between us.

The huge benefits of this clearing is, as Francois say, more than the Sum of the Two of Us.  Not only does it offer the clarity of what is truly being felt and needed for You and for this person alike. It offers actually the unique chance to come to synergy and develop a  brand-new and stronger way of relating that actually offers the chance to increase the well-being for the two of you.

Let’s go recover the actual joy of relating as the first day you met this person. Thriving together is possible.

This is the ‘Coeu’rageous journey I invite you to join us in taking.

Mali Parke
www.core2coeur.com
PS: *I write “oftentimes” because I want to note that there is more than just the stories we tell ourselves that play a role in why we would want to get closer or further away from someone. I am focusing here on the relationships that we actually engage in on a regular basis, the ones we want to heal or improve, and those where we will assume there is no true sense of danger. If you find yourself in a real sense of non-safety, please contact your support people for you to address what boundaries you need to put into place to help your system breathe and feel hopeful again.

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EVENT INFORMATION

BREAKING THROUGH HIGH-LEVEL INTENSITY ENEMY IMAGES
A TWO DAY EXPLORATION WITH FRANCOIS BEAUSOLEIL  NOV 5 – 6 (Early Bird Ends Tomorrow Friday!)

Join us in DC Nov 5-6 for a two-day retreat! Space is limited to 15.

Early Bird ends Friday Oct 21.

Partial scholarships available. Discounts for 2 or 3 people signing up together. Do not let money be an obstacle.

Contact Mali with any questions.
Register Here

 

Jan 252016
 

Couple of weeks ago, I had the chance to attend the Blame Free State Intensive that Francois Beausoleil, a CNVC-Certified trainer I invited to come to DC. As I reflect back on all that I explored that weekend, I am grateful to have taken this time and got the support offered to keep digging in areas in my life where I hold Blame – whether onto myself, someone else or situations (or “Life”).

The retreat invited us to find where we had any ‘enemy images’ and work with the empathic support of a buddy to explore all that we want, all that it would do for us, what are the feelings and needs present both for ourselves and others and uncover what stops us from letting go of the Blame as well as powerfully rewrite the story.

I have shifted so much blame in my last few years, liberating myself from a weight and source of drain on my own energy. And yet this is a constant journey…

As situations arise and as relationships form, stretch or end at times, our mechanisms are strong to ‘protect’ and surround ourselves behind the walls of Blame, keeping ourselves ‘safe’ and attempting not to hurt in the face of the struggle.

Some cost of it is that we either numb ourselves to the hurt that is present (in ourselves or others), disconnect from others (or life energy), keep parts of ourselves small inside or even invisible. And it’s so draining… isn’t it?

In the years since I have learned about Nonviolent Communication, I now see the practice of shifting blame as a regular ‘relationship hygiene’ routine – as well as deep self-care and “patching the colander holes’ and ‘filling my cup’ strategy.

Do you relate?  If you are finding yourself ready for unloading or unblocking some Blame in your life, I invite you to “dare greatly” – as author and Blame Researcher Brené Brown says it – and get yourself the support and empathic holding of another to gently explore these protective layers and uncover the gems of that you are holding inside as well as what you are holding precious that stops you from letting go of the Blame. There is a way to hold both sets of needs equally valued within ourselves and our relationships.  We just sometimes need a little gentle care to go there.

Watch Brené’s talk on Blame through this animated video:

And I am delighted that Francois is planning to come back and offer his Blame Free State Intensive again Oct 6-8, 2016 as well as three other deepening days on Breaking Through Intense Enemy Images and private sessions with him. Registration will be posted and open soon.

And I’m always a phone call or visit away to give you my empathic presence and empowering coaching support as I have learned to receive it myself from so many supportive people in my life.

Warmly,
Mali Parke
Book a Call or Coaching Session Now!

 

 

Jan 152015
 

Robert GonzalesI remember vividly my first encounter in 2011 with Robert Gonzales, a certified trainer with the Center from Nonviolent Communication, when – within the first morning of a three-day retreat – he uttered:

“Living from a protected heart is an undoable contract with ourselves” (… or so I remember it)

At the time, I was going through the hugely dizzying roller coaster and unraveling of a relationship that I was considering more than “difficult” or even (warning: label ahead…) “abusive.” No relationship counseling or even the communication skills I was learning at the time were helpful to bridge the widening gap that was in front of us.

My new skills of finding out more clearly about my needs and holding them dear (something I wasn’t used to doing consciously then) actually fueled more of the fire and anger of this untenable disequilibrium in our relationship. (This could be the subject of a whole new series of posts – and is so dear to my heart when I now have the honor of teaching these same skills to new people and women in particular).

I truly thought I needed to “protect” myself – and was even judging myself to be “too weak” or “soft” and telling myself that I needed to build my protective walls up even more.

So you can imagine how I found Robert’s invitation to live from an undefended heart quite not in touch with my “reality”!

Over the following three days of the retreat, I listened and got to witness him over and over in deep supportive empathic listening and connection with people just like you and me who opened their hearts so deeply, vulnerably, and courageously to him.  I slowly began to recognize, feel, and more profoundly, befriend this armor of protection that my inner “guard” had built around my heart.

I was able to become more conscious and aware of its presence, of its vigilance, and – beyond my initial self-judgment that it shouldn’t be there – to just start by paying it a visit, be in companionship with it – as uncomfortable as it could be.

Slowly, slowly, I got to be curious about all that it was holding dear and precious, that it was “protecting,” so I could support it, with gratitude, in letting go of the grip and firm hold it had on my heart and uncover what is true, beautiful, and also vital to my aliveness. I discovered brand new and “core” needs in me such as “curiosity” (toward me, you, life), “trust” (in myself mainly, in our innocence, in our pure essence as human beings as we were gifted at birth), and a deeper realization that someone else’s needs were never really in competition with mine.

Living from a protected heart was keeping me more in a “survival” mode than a “living” one.  

It was keeping me in a win-lose dynamic that continued the cycle of pain and hurt, just as having one’s needs met over another person’s never quite brings the peace or joy or satisfaction one is looking for.

Today, although my guard is still here, and sometimes wakes up in sensing “danger,” we have this continuously growing friendship that allows me to engage with it, thank it again, and let it know that I’m OK, that I take into great care and consideration all that it’s wanting me to know and to hold at all costs, and that I can handle it from there. My heart remembers now what it feels like to trust and feel safe from within.

From that place, I can now experience with greater ease curiosity towards what is precious in someone else’s heart and hold “our needs” altogether and respond from a place of open -, sometimes broken-open-, hearted essence.

I’ll be transparent: It’s not easy to hold it all every day, and as I often say, “Life is a journey, not a destination…”. But today I have greater trust in my capacity to come back to an undefended and open heart and act from a place of deep compassion – and fierce love – toward myself and “the other.”

So what happened to this relationship?

Based on what continued to unfold in actions and words that really did not work for me, and with my new ability to hold my needs for safety and trust as my responsibility to honor (because expecting it from another just wasn’t happening and wasn’t effective on top of giving my own power away), I did choose separation and ended our relationship agreement as it was.

What was – and still is – different for me, though, from the years of anguish and despair in trying to salvage what we had, was the strong and peaceful love that I felt toward myself – and toward this person even – and the understanding that this would be the best solution to honor each other in the future.

Today, I don’t hold anger or resentment toward this person – or myself – for the end of our relating. I even experience greater compassion and love for us all who are trying to live life to the fullest, seeking happiness – or relief from pain – in places that will not fully satisfy us. I recognize that everyone is on their “perfectly imperfect” journey, myself included. Above all, I hold my needs for safety and deep trust as core pillars in my relating to anyone more than ever before.

So, from my heart to yours, if you find yourself in a place of “needing protection,”* I offer the following practices to support your holding of safety and trust (and maybe some other unmet core needs of yours):

  1. Journal or listen with greater curiosity to your thoughts about needing protection “from”. Uncover what stories you may hold about yourself, the other person, or life in general.
  2. Pay an internal visit to your sensations. How are you feeling? Where is that feeling lived in your body?  This part may be the most uncomfortable one, but I found it crucial in increasing awareness of how often I may feel the tightening or fear living in my body.
  3. Get support or learn several somatic ways to relax your nervous system. I was once asked, “What did you enjoy as a baby to be soothed?” A simple rubbing of your wrists on each other, a tapping of key meridian points with techniques like Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), muscle-testing, or even a simple weekly massage can help your body remember what it truly feels like to “be safe”.
  4. Consciously focus on the needs that are crucially missing for you. Bring up a memory of what it feels to “be safe” or again bring up the thought/memory of a friend or anyone in your life with whom you have experienced deep trust. Stay in this memory. “Take a bath init.” Track how it feels in your body. It helps your body to remember what this memory feels like, so it can access it faster and faster each time.
  5. When you feel this relaxation and feeling of deep safety and trust, from this place of open-heart, think about: What do you need to ask of yourself, or of another, to experience more safety or trust in your life right now?

 

Need more clarity or practice? You’re in for a treat! Robert Gonzales is coming near DC, visiting Philadelphia Feb 13-16**. Early bird discount is available until Feb 1st. I hope you will consider treating yourself to this gift that keeps on giving.

 

If you are longing for more companionship on this journey to reclaim your sense of undefended self, I offer deep empathic and restorative one-on-one or partners coaching sessions using the models and practices taught by Robert Gonzales and many other teachers. Also see the upcoming “Reclaiming Ourselves” Women’s Program, which will launch in March, in Washington DC.

*If you are in a relationship under which you are feeling in any way afraid for your physical, mental, or emotional safety and more, do call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE(7233) or go to your nearest Domestic Violence Center. 

** This event is offered by Heart To Heart, a Philly organization focused on providing transformative education in jails, prisons, and communities. I invite you to find out more about them and how to support their mission.

 

Dec 302014
 

Since the Dec 21st Winter Solstice, which scientists claimed was the longest night since 1912 in the Northern Hemisphere, daylight is lengthening again. And while Winter will still surely offer its share of darker, colder, and maybe even snowy days, it also holds the promise of more light returning – and gives us a chance, like other animals in this season, to cozy up, rest, and maybe make some rich “compost” of our 2014 experiences and stock up internally for our upcoming budding Spring and outwardly rich Summer ahead.

There are many deep rituals at this time of year, from the many diverse celebrations to a marked transition into the “New Year” (whenever it is for you according to your calendars). January 1st for many is marked with the special and ancient routine of reviewing our past year and setting up new intentions for the one ahead.

Have you ever wondered why year after year you are able to make some progress (or maybe leaps and bounds) in some areas of your life and not in others? 

Maybe you’re noticing that some patterns are deeper than others and hold you in a repetitive and reactive mode that seems very sticky and difficult to scratch from yourself.

Maybe, like me, you tried to set your intentions with the spirit and trust of “already experiencing what you most long for,” anchored strategies into the deeper aspirations/needs that your have for yourself and your life, created some vision boards, or set a myriad of to-achieve goals with doable steps in the hope of “finally” having the life you wanted.

Maybe, just like me, you dabbed into – or have a steady routine of – “positive affirmations,” “mantras,” gratitude practice, daily meditation, deep breathwork, Focusing, EFT, or physical, mindful movement practices like yoga, Tai Chi, Qi Gong, maybe even some holistic modalities of Reiki and other energy healing options…

And maybe you have still found some areas of your life, or yourself, that just wouldn’t bulge or serve you and others in the ways you most longed for.

What I have found to be the greatest obstacle to any new flow and increased capacity to “make life more wonderful” was in my own mind. It was all rooted in one core belief that somehow I needed to be different … : a myriad of “I should be more….” (intelligent, productive, physically active, healthy, thin, fast …), more more more more… which in other areas, funny enough, was that I needed to be less … (egoistic, loud, outspoken, silly, etc…). In one word, I needed to … be other than “me.”

As long as any of my intentions to support a change in my life were grounded in a story of “should’”(be different than …), soon I was battling another “inner demon” or facing the same old one just slightly transformed. 

Marshall Rosenberg calls this orientation of inner (and outer) language the 4 Ds of Disconnection:

1. Diagnosis (judgment, analysis, criticism, comparison)

2. Denial of Responsibility (blame, finding fault, or “can’ts” )

3. Demand (“shoulds”)

4. Deserve (justifications of either punishments or rewards)

 406811_449662218413394_1685852943_nReady for some rich Winter Soup to Make Life More Wonderful?
(the cold is really bringing up a warm soup analogy in me today…)

All of the practices described above and more still are very rich ingredients to add to this. And to be with those repetitive patterns you are longing to change, here are some key ingredients I offer for consideration – from many great teachers:

  • Listen, listen, and listen some more (to yourself and to others). Welcome all expressions as they are and explore the gem behind it. Check out these pointers on Empathic Listening from a dear mentor of mine, Holley Humphrey. Consider listening the slow turning of that soup that makes it all come together…
  • Go on that exploration to find your inner voices, your core beliefs, your “shadows.” They long to be heard and held in tender arms as they hold deep keys to yourself. (*see below the downloadable journaling exercise written just for you!)
  • Add a large dose of radical self-acceptance. In the end, you are the one you are most longing to be accepted by. Of course it’s delicious when others do accept and love us. And sometimes we can’t even “feel” their love and acceptance when our own rejections and judgments are in the way. Tara Brach’s dharma talks are not only funny but right on this topic.
  • Sprinkle some “one-of-a-kind” advocacy. As Rachel Naomi Remen says, there is nothing “broken” or needing to be ”fixed” or even “healed” or “‘transformed” in you. You are uniquely you, attempting your best at all times.
  • Finally look for support! “It takes a village” … is oh so real. Find an accountability-empathy buddy who will also radically accept all of you and nurture you towards remembering to express more of yourself.

Lean over that pot, smell that soup … From here, what is your intuition telling you about yourself and your year ahead?

YOU are holding your own answers at all times. Listen inward to your deep wisdom.

May you enjoy a rich, fluid, rooted, and infused-with-love 2015.

Mali Parke
Core To Coeur Coaching
The Peace Circle Center

* Wanting more support diving into your core belief exploration? Here is a turn-of-the-year exercise, rooted in the work by Robert Gonzales, a CNVC-certified trainer (coming in the Philly area mid-February by the way!). I called it “Holding Light on Our Core Beliefs/Shadows When Holding Intentions for the New Year”. It is yours to keep and journal with!

** I’m an email away to support you one-on-one with individualized coaching, grounded in this practice of compassion, to embrace of all shadows and lights of you and provide a nurturing empowerment for you to express your truest form and essence.

*** Upcoming “RECLAIMING OURSELVES” mini-retreat and 8-week journeys available to women in the DC area, starting Feb 1. See all details here.

Nov 192012
 

I have a deep-felt gratitude for attending the “Breaking The Silence Now” bullying awareness conference at a high school in Maryland yesterday.

I assisted CNVC-certified trainer, Jane Connor Ph.D, in a short presentation on ‘Transforming Bullying and Building Relationships’ with the power of Compassionate Communication and Restorative Practices.

I was moved to shivers and tears hearing teenagers sharing their personal stories of bullying.

And left re-invogirated in my vision and passion to present deeply transforming methods of communicating and listening with empathy to schools, educators and parents.

Contact me if you have curious in this particular topic as I am preparing new offers and curriculum for parents and teachers trainings.

Stay tuned for other programs shaping up for this Winter and contribute your own desires and wishes in this survey to help me best meet your needs!

 

Feb 102012
 

Dive deep within yourself .. and live fully from your ‘coeur’ (heart)

Core2Coeur is official launched! Consider ‘signing-up’ to my mailing list to receive future updates … and forward to friends. Thank you!

2012 is fully ramping on. What makes you dream and thrive in your new year so far?

In our home, winter means that our kids are now well settled in their school routine, and life is at full throttle, sometimes with setbacks in projects if a kid is suddenly sick or need more care. Sunshine and warmth’s capricious appearances remind us to go out and play.  To take that deep fresh breath and slow down and remember that everything is anew in that moment.

Around us everywhere, individuals strive to look for what will get them closer to happiness, couples dream about progressing on some shared or individual goals, parents have their family’s needs at heart and focus on finding strategies that will work best for them all, teams at work are reassessing where they are, what’s to be completed, and possibly look ahead at what’s next.

All are striving to balance their individual needs with those of their partner, family, team, … world.

Maybe it’s a stressful time too.

Maybe tensions are rising about new desires or renewed energy around old projects that haven’t been tended to in a while. Maybe some routines need more tweaking, or extra activities in search of satisfaction leave us drained, tired, not-so-full after all at the end of the day.  Maybe we keep thinking ‘I’ll do it tomorrow’ and go to bed at night not satisfied with ourselves. Does any of this sound like your life today?

Are you longing for more EASE, COOPERATION, HARMONY at home with your loved ones? Are you hoping to find that satisfying BALANCE between home and work? Or even find more HAPPINESS and FULLNESS in expressing your own talents and values each day? Are you deep down craving for more SUPPORT and COMPANIONSHIP?

If you need to take that deep breath, to attune to YOUR SELF, to re-prioritize your life and do more things that bring you alive, to live passionately your LIFE PURPOSE … support isn’t far away.

Dive to your CORE and explore what makes you uniquely you, your values, your dreams, your talents, your calling … and connect deeply with your COEUR (‘heart’ in French) to fully empower your life and balance connection with your self and others.

I recently pursued one of my own life dream and became a Certified* Professional Coach through a holistic coaching program called ‘Coaching for Transformation‘.  Adding my many years of training in Nonviolent Communication, I am excited to open my heart, listening and empathic ear, empowering curiosity and coaching practice to you – or someone you know.

Read more about my Life Coaching, Collaborative Communication workshops, Compassionate Parenting classes and Conscious Marketing consulting at www.Core2Coeur.com and contact me or schedule a complimentary session today!

I would enjoy hearing back from you on what came alive for you reading this post … and any insight on meeting your needs better. Drop me a line!

Wishing you and your loved ones a connecting 2012 and to find wonders everyday.

Mali Parke, CPC
Core Life Coaching | Collaborative Communication | Compassionate Parenting & Ed. | Conscious Marketing
mali@core2coeur.com
www.core2coeur.com
*International Coaching Federation (ICF) Certified – 2011